I had cancer, your life collapsed.

On the one you and on the other you.

Cancer is a real spoilsport. I thought it had impact on MY life, for the very simple reason that it had threatened MY life. But that was a thought by far too simple.

Obviously it had impact on other people’s lives even more so. But how is that?

Well, you people in my life.

On the one YOU, you seem to go on with my life as if nothing had happened.
You sit with me.
You talk to me.
You cook with me.
You eat with me.
You shop with me.
You smoke outside my kitchen.
You drink wine in my kitchen.
You go on trips with me.
You cycle with me.
You swim with me.
You text with me.
You celebrate your birthdays with me.
You go for a pee when I am in the bathroom, because this is what girls do.
You laugh with me.
You hang out with me.
You expect me to ensure that our relationship functions exactly the way it functioned before my illness.

Before, it seems, your life collapsed.

But on the other YOU, you expect me to be devastated.
You have lost your trust in my strenght.
You doubt my competences.
You place me in the centre of your attention.
You are wary of every single one of my utterances.
You watch me closely.
You blow up everything in my life to gigantic size.
You expect me to have changed.
You don’t believe my enjoyment of life.
You await my untimely death.
You hear my clock tick.

You want THIS to be over.

You are fed up with me.
You’ve had enough of YOUR ups and downs.
You want me to stop being in the centre of your attention.
You hate it when I have to go back to hospital.
You feel pissed off with my explicit need of you.

Your “What do you expect from me?” still burns and hurts.

I will not develop a depression for you to feel better.
I will not stop enjoying life, even though you think that’s strange.
I will not stop having an optimistic outlook on life although you consider this to be out of place.
I will not stop loving you because you are afraid to lose me and have begun to stop loving me for YOUR sake.

Yours, lovingly,
Maid Manu.


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