It´s chemo time!

Everything to make your first chemo session an agreeable or even pleasant event

Important note: Before you begin, please read About to ensure this is not a complete waste of time for you;-)

1.      Pack a few things that are your favourite colour, for example a green pillow, a blue  blanket. I always took an IKEA Polarvide plaid and pillow with me. They make them in all sorts of cheerful colours for under 3 bucks. Nope, hospital walls are not very colourful and they don’t change colour for you. Although you may think the walls change colour after a few drops of your medication. Loooooovelyyyy side effects.

2.      Welcome every chemo as if she were your best friend. Wait! She IS your best friend. Your life saver. I did this with every single chemo that I was happy to receive in a completely non-religious, un-spiritual way. I simply made use of the fact that we can bear a lot if we understand its necessity. Put on a big smile in hospital and say hello to every single nurse and doctor that you meet on chemo day. Say thank you for the blood samples they take, say thank you for the needles they stick into you. Welcome the first drops of chemo when they enter your body! For a very simple reason: If you tackle the chemo like this, if you expect the best from it, you won’t waste time on worries about side effects. And on top of this of course still everybody will feel sorry for you.

3.      Do you love films or TV series? Make sure to buy a portable DVD player or to bring your laptop AND headphones. Other patients may not want to hear what you watch and listen to. Especially if it is German porn. Or probably IF it is German porn, this could become an enjoyable shared activity within the chemo community.

4.      What drinks do you prefer? Cappuccino? Orange lemonade? Non-alcoholic beer? Pack a thermos flask, a bottle of lemonade, whatever you like. Except for wodka, probably, or absinth. Although the latter may help you with the wall colour.

5.      What is your favourite food at the moment? Prepare some of it and take it with you or keep in touch with somebody at home who can cook or buy something for you WITHIN  FIVE MINUTES when you suddenly feel hungry during chemo. You might feel the urge  to devour a horse, an apple, or a packet of crisps. Or a horse stuffed with apples and crisps. Eat whatever you want to. Who the fuck cares.

6.       Write an invitation for every chemo session to one of your friends or family. Be clear in what you expect from them. You don’t have a grown-in toenail. Or maybe you HAVE one in addition to everything else. You CAN expect them to take a holiday for you, paid or unpaid. No, you’re not a self-centred arse. You ARE in the centre of attention. And if others envy you your status, they can piss off and get their own cancer.

7.      Ask your friends to bring a game if you like to play to pass time. Russian Roulette is NOT exactly the pastime that I had in mind. I was thinking more along the lines of Monopoly or strip poker.

Right, this is it. If you can come up with anything as silly as my suggestions, feel free to send them.

Yours, ex-chemofully,

Maid Manu.


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