Life is fundamentally the same!

Life is fundamentally the same. Or: The World didn’t give a fuck. Not a single one.

I was quite perplexed when I found that the world didn’t halt when I was diagnosed with cancer. The clock ticked on and on regularly and happily, the cats didn’t open an eye, let alone wake up, the cars still went past my house, I still breathed.

I had to realise that the world didn’t give a fuck. Not a single one.

Everything just went on as if nothing had happened. But for me the change was so
fundamental that ever since then I have been completely changed.

Or not at all.

In every single second I can feel that with the knowledge that I would be dead
by now, life can never be the same again.
This knowledge is too big to be ignored. Everything that I do, every breath that I take is other. It is as if I was two people at the same time.

Because on the one I,
I still go to work,
read to the kids,
love my husband,
cook,
listen to music,
drive our cars,
go on holiday trips,
brush my teeth,
sleep,
eat,
make love,
talk,
listen,
laugh,
take showers,
get wet in the rain,
wear socks,
shop clothes,
drink tea,
prepare lessons,
watch series,
vacuum clean the house,
love sunnny weather,
drink cappuccino,
don’t like spiders,
hate marking classtests,
dislike cold and rainy days.

But on the other I,
I now have hospital appointments all the time,
share more with nurses, doctors and hospital secretaries than with my own parents-in-law,
cost more than 1,000€ of medication every month,
have a hospital routine,
have a more relaxed approach to my pupils and work,
know that I look good without hair,

cannot listen to the radio anymore,
travel every month,
have lost my breasts,
wear dresses and skirts all the time to feel like a woman,
have a few more scars,

laugh far more than before,
am a very patient patient,

am a better mother,
have lost some of my best friends,
have a few new friends,
can’t stand ice cubes,
feel cold all the time,
don’t loath hospitals anymore,
love my husband even more,
am not afraid of chemo,
have not turned into a cynic.

So probably I don’t give a fuck either. Not a single one. And I will live happily ever after.

Yours, not at all regretfully,

Maid Manu.


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