The cancer club. Limited access, loads of envy needed.

Before you go on, please read About. Just so.

You want to become a member of this exclusive club?  Then you need to fulfill a certain amount of basic requirements The following checklist can help:

1.     You definitely enjoy being in the centre of attention. Yes/No

2.     You feel quite attracted by syringes, cannulas, catheters, scalpels, drips, and the like. Yes/No

3.     You like monotonous days in hospitals and prefer staring at plain white walls. Yes/No

4.     Swallowing pills, even in great numbers and various shapes is exactly your cup of tea. Yes/No

5.     The introduction of large amounts of intravenous antibiotics pleases your stomach. Yes/No

6.     You have always secretly wanted to have chemotherapy. Yes/No

7.     Your radiant personality literally recommends you for radiation therapy. Yes/No

8.     A variety of competence-reduced assistant doctors addresses the sociologist in you. Yes/No

9.     You embrace helplessness in others, even in your friends and family. Yes/No

10. You have ached for a break from work for some time. Yes/No

0-3 times yes: The whole cancer thing is not for you, obviously. You simply don’t offer the right softskills. If you feel so massively rejected by it, go and find yourself a new hobby.

4-7 times yes: You are not what people call a dyed-in-the-wool cancerist, but you aren’t a declared anti-cancerist, either. A future in cancerism may still be open to you if you try out a few things. Find yourself a friend with cancer. Experience the feeling of envy. Go to a session in a selfhelp group. You will see: other people’s cancer and pain are still real cancer and pain. Have accupuncture “to deepen” the feeling of needles. Or bask in the full sun around noon for a few hours, NOT using any suncream at all. But what about a little olive oil to deepen the redness? This can offer valuable insights in radiation therapy. Read death announcements, open hospices, have the small finger of your left hand amputated. Have courage. You will succeed.

8-10 Times yes: What are you waiting for? Get yourself an appointment for a Full Body Scan. I am sure there must be some cancer somewhere. If the bitch cannot be found, don’t give up. Book a flight to Australia or the Artic or whereever there is a damn hole in the ozone layer. Strip naked and go for a very long walk. On top of these efforts enjoy the heavy radioactivity on board the plane at 28,000 feet. If this is still not successful, look for a homeopathy bitch in the local yellow pages. Maybe you can find one who offers globuli FOR cancer. Who knows?! Quite a few of these charlatans promise sugar balls against  cancer, who says they cannot do it the other way round. Open a fair stand for prophecies of the future. Read your own crappy future und make sure to turn it into a self-fulfilling prophecy. If cancer still fails you, don’t worry. Find yourself an underpaid job in a firm that has specialised in pulling down old, asbestus-ridden buildings. After that go on a relaxing 6 week trip to the Spa town of Tschernobyl. I for my part cross my fingers for you. I am very optimistic – or pessimistic, if you like.

Yours, cancerfully,

Maid Manu.


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