The role the Lord plays: cancer intercession


You should definitely read “About” and “The Cancer Checklist” before you read on. And I am quite sorry to harm any of your religious feelings. Mind you: I have none.

After a quite challenging 2013, if you look at the number of days spent in hospital and the high quantity of operations, I feel the need to ask for a more convinient, comfortable, less hospitally 2014. And who could I best turn to but THE LORD. I’ve been told that he is the chief executive manager of health deals. Okay, here I go.

Dear Lord,

I am not sure how to put this nicely, but I am a tiny weeny bit fed up. I have sent you quite a few intercessions and am still waiting for some results. Any results would do. Is it my fault? I mean, I think I have been quite precise. Is there a problem in understanding what I have said? Didn’t I articulate my intercessions well? Or do your angels not speak English? I always quite naïvely thought they were multilingual. I mean when I left school I could speak English, French and German and read and write Latin. Do you want me to intercede in written form? Shall I turn to you in Latin the next time?

Well, this is why I have decided to WRITE today because I thought you and/or the angels might find it convenient to get something in written form, properly spelled out in front of them. Or is English the problem in the first place? Because of all the “Anglican Church hubub” in the 16th century? Are you a convinced Catholic? Well I, personally don’t like that Henry VIII chap either. I think he was a bit misguided. Well not of course in that he wanted other, more functional wives and all that beheading stuff. But in that he didn’t turn to you properly by means of intercession to ask you to intervene with the pope’s decision. Or did he?

Okay. Here is what I think. 1. Your angels are not well-trained in languages any more. 2. Your office is – if at all – lousily organised.

How do your angels prioritise the incoming intercessions? Is a form necessary? Do you hand out numbers? Is there a queue there? Do you differentiate between privately insured interceders and those in the National Intercession System (NIS)? Do you cooperate with the CSI (Celestial System of Intercessions) or the NCIS (National Celestial Intersession System)? Would the Pope’s intercessions be prioritised over those of Somalian AIDS orphans?

Or are you over-worked? Is you work-life balance unbalanced? Do you fall for this ridiculous, misguided multi-tasking stuff? I am thinking about the following scenario:

Here is a day in the life of a multi-tasking deity, trying to handle several billion intercessions at the same time.

9:00 a.m. MET: God’s enjoying a cup of moccacino whilst

-looking after the new first graders in a local Worcestershire primary school so that they don’t get lost in the building (true story 😉 yep) AND at the same time

-sending pox and malaria to a refugee camp in Somalia on demand  PLUS

-inventing recipes for new cocktails in a Manhattan club AND ON TOP of this

-looking after the old, the young, the sick, the healthy, men, women, dogs, children, 00ps! Wrong order! Butterflies, cars, football games (always both teams), a few thousand harvests in Montana, a couple of rivers in northwest Germany, the quality of the cheese in a northern Italian cheesery, christmas pudding in Southampton, the Italian mafia, the Russian mafia, the Chinese mafia, the New York branches of the Italian mafia, the Russian mafia, the Chinese mafia, their victims (or don’t they become victims if they intercede?), the Tasmanian devil, Bugs Bunny, Donald Duck, all the Catholics, the Protestants, the Jewish, Baptists, Menonites, Methodists, Bagwan’s supporters, Jehova’s witnesses, Hindu…

Speaking of the Hindu. God, you should probably convert to Hinduism, where you could cooperate with 29 million 999,999 other deities. Thus, each of you would only have to work on one intercession per minute. Roughly.

You should seriously think about converting, if you’re not a dyed-in-the-wool CATHOLIC because I am a bit worried about your health. Findings from neuro science show that with all your vainless efforts to multitask YOU – the Lord – may be on the verge of burnout. I offer to give you advice in questions of organisation of your work-life-balance.

Can you, in exchange for my help, make sure to work on my list of intercessions first?! Is their anything besides office organisation that I can do to move up in the list? What can I bring you? Do you still fancy sacrifices of oxen? Well, these days they’re not as easy to come by, but I will see what I can do. Or are you more into the virgins business these days? I’ve heard that they can be imported from a few eastern European countries. Although you might have to dispense with the “virgin” part in “virgins”, sorry. But “willing flesh” might do just as well, don’t you think so!? And probably I could ask for bigger numbers if the ladies don’t arrive fresh.

Okay, if that is it, let us begin. Enough of the chit-chat, let’s get down to business!

1.     Oh Lord, from now on let my list of intercessions always be FIRST.

2.     Could you perhaps look after the “schnitzel”* from my back well and ensure that its blood supply isn’t interrupted. (*”the schnitzel” is a lump of muscle and skin from my back that has been transferred to one of my breasts to relieve the pressure on the radiated skin.)

3.     Holy father, can you please make sure that the radiated skin on my right breast doesn’t burst open again.

4.     Please promise that the morphium pump functions well and doesn’t overdose.

5.     Dear God, can you please send some brain for the assistant doctors? And don’t forget to send a language course, too.

6.     And can you look after the catheter at night? Just to make sure it stays where it is supposed to be.

7.     Father in heaven, please give my surgeon calm hands.

8.     Good God, please be so kind as to be lenient with me the next time my blood pressure says hasta la vista.

9.     Dear Lord, please prevent the antibiotics from exuding into the surrounding tissue of a burst blood vessel. Because that’s fucking painful and not too convenient.

10.  And can you look after the redons. Because with undertow they tend to export too much bloody liquids. And I only have a limited amount of the latter.

11. If there is an emergency that has to do with ME, will you please wake up the doctor who is on duty PROPERLY and help him not too be pissed off with me. Again.

12.  And last but not least. Great Father, is it possible to bestow upon the night nurse a stressfree shift? And if perchance I need her, make her willing to help.

13.  Just one more. Don’t make the puncture needle too pointed and the puncture not too painful, please.

Okay, I guess that’s it. One will see. My job’s done. Do yours! I hope you don’t mind my candidness.


P.S. Can I send my future intercessions by e-mail? Is your e-mail address “”? Can you make sure they won’t be classified as spam? Is the spelling of GOD a problem? I mean because in your e-mail it is “god” instead of “God”.

Yours, completely unreligiously,

Maid Manu.

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